Lampin isn't easy, but we make it look effortless.
We get a lot of questions from people who have never heard the word lampin. How do you LAMP? What does lamp or lampin mean? So here is a how to guide.
First and foremost, get comfortable. It is the absolute worst when people come home from a hard day at the office and leave their work gear on for hours. Shirt tucked, shoes on, and belt pulled tight, all while lying on the couch. That’s not comfy and you know it. Its borderline straight lazy.
Now that you have stripped down to something reasonable, go get some grub and wet your whistle. Depending upon how deep in the grub you get, will determine to which level of lampin you are trying to achieve. Lounging, watching TV with one eye open, or mouth hanging, head back, hands where you want them kinda lampin. Bring the food to your favorite spot on the couch and get after it. Legs spread, elbows on the knees, with a slight lean forward unless you are eating popcorn, chips, or anything in a bag. This calls for a slight lean back.
Once your feast or snack is completely devoured and you feel as if you can barely swing your legs up onto the couch, you must find the remote. This can be tricky. It could be anywhere. Between the couch cushions, under the couch, in the bathroom, on top of the refrigerator, sweatpants pockets, side of car door (it happens) etc… This frantic action might bring flashbacks to when you were six and went on scavenger hunts for Easter eggs and the remote is your golden ticket.
Any extracurricular activities that you indulge in, now happen at this moment. No explanation for this. Do what you do.
Now it is time to channel surf. Find the best spot on the couch, chaise, or recliner. Feet must be kicked up and crossed. It is about to get serious. I guess it matters what time of the day you are lampin, but for most men, some sort of ESPN or animal channel is a go to. Maybe for women it could be a nice soap opera, a real housewives of somewhere show, or a lifetime movie. Once you find your station, there could be some creeping on the internet action to follow. This too has a position. It could be the same as the eating position, but if you are a true lamper, you place the computer directly on your gut while lying horizontal. Your arms might feel like T-Rex but it is as relaxed as you can get. Once the bottom of the computer gets too hot, please place it on the floor or coffee table to avoid internal damage. If you get to this point, you have zero shame in your game. Nothing will phase you. Nada.
Once you have been lampin for a period of time, the thought of getting up actually seems impossible. I wish I could put into words what the feeling is like when you hit that point in your lamp and then get thrown a curve ball. It could be your girl asking you to get the laundry out, doorbell rings, phone buzzes, mother-in-law walks in the door, or even when hunger pains call your name and you are home alone. You have to ask yourself, am I really getting up from this spot? Is this happening? This one you have to think about. Make a smart decision because there are consequences, take my word.
Last but not least, the “instant fall asleep while watching television stage.” This just happens out of nowhere. It might be the most maxin’ time of your day and you could never imagine being more lamped than you are at that very moment. You are in control of nothing and it feels amazing. Your eyes drift closed and you begin to feel the drool filter from the corner of your mouth yet you don’t care. You do nothing to stop it. Now if you get startled you might react by punching the perpetrator or belt out a scream that only a girl could produce during a scary flick. Be prepared to handle this moment with poise and masculinity. Some people are allowed to sleep the night away on the indented couch which is a bonus to all true lampers. For most of us, we have to go to bed, in a real bed, which is a slight bummer.
However you lamp, the routines you develop are much appreciated by all lampers. Hopefully this how to guide to lampin helps and honestly, I didn’t have to tell you how to lamp because we all do it in our own way.
Whenever you are asked “When will you ever stop lampin?” Your response should always be TOMORROW.
FYI: Lampin is not limited to the couch. You can lamp anywhere you want. There are endless opportunities to get your lamp on. Lamp Safe. Don’t do anything we wouldn’t do!
Hashtag Lampin pictures to your social media feeds with #lampin, #lamp, #lampapparel, or #lampinlife for us to keep an eye on you.